Checks and balances mansplainer preparing term limit monologue

Cincinnati, OH: An area man who comforted concerned female friends and colleagues after the 2016 election by explaining how checks and balances work is preparing his monologue for the 2020 election. “If Cheeto man wins again, I’ll just explain that US presidents are only allowed two terms,” he said. “I might add that our country …

New pro-life bill would force men to carry wasted sperm

Washington, D.C.: A new pro-life bill based on the idea that life starts with ejaculation was introduced today by House Republican Chad Hunt. “Senselessly extinguishing the spark for human life simply for a man’s convenience is wrong,” he said. “Wearing wasted sperm as a ‘scarlet letter’ to show wrongdoing will send a powerful message that …

As Earth approaches rapid boil, area woman ruminates over phthalates released into bottom-rack-loaded sippy cup

As the air around her continued to warm to an uninhabitable level, a local woman was recently dismayed to find a plastic sippy cup on the bottom rack of the dishwasher. “Phthalates have the potential to cause health issues years down the road,” she said. “I can’t believe someone would load it down there where …

Local woman feels sorry for Felicia, Karen, and Becky

While scrolling deep in her Facebook feed, an area woman recently pondered the three female names often used for certain archetypes: the one you say goodbye to, the woo one and the perky one who is unaware of her own inadvertent racism. “I took a deep dive into Facebook and I couldn’t help wondering why …

Men across the nation enjoy “60 percent executive time” at home while accurately criticizing President for it

Progressive men across the nation recently chuckled about the revelation that the president spends 60 percent of his day watching TV and tweeting during what has officially been termed “executive time.” “Cheeto man is a total loser,” a woke area man accurately tweeted. The man reportedly continued to tweet and post to Reddit his insightful …