Mom uses second grade Valentine’s Day party to showcase artistic genius

An area mom charged with planning and leading the craft for her 8-year-old daughter’s class Valentine’s Day party bravely seized the opportunity to show the world that she is a tortured artistic genius with big ideas. “I had some wild ideas, including decorating gender-ambiguous cookies with sad faces and one bite taken out,” she said. …

As Earth approaches rapid boil, area woman ruminates over phthalates released into bottom-rack-loaded sippy cup

As the air around her continued to warm to an uninhabitable level, a local woman was recently dismayed to find a plastic sippy cup on the bottom rack of the dishwasher. “Phthalates have the potential to cause health issues years down the road,” she said. “I can’t believe someone would load it down there where …

Mom deeply regrets saying “Bam!” while adding extra chocolate chips to cookie dough

A mom recently entered a deep existential crisis that verged on self-loathing after using the word “Bam!” to verbalize excitement regarding extra chocolate chips she was adding to cookie dough. The ill advised quip was intended to channel the formerly popular television chef Emeril Lagasse, whose star rose in the ‘90s but has since tapered …

Mom makes mistake of starting The Girl Who Drank the Moon on Christmas morning

The story, which is written for children and was a gift for her seven-year-old, left the mother in a vaguely catatonic state. She spent significant time gnawing a novelty-sized Hershey’s kiss from her daughter’s stocking and ruminating over children currently detained without their parents this Christmas.

Toddler agitates for wine after falling in love with grinch display

A grinch-obsessed toddler threw a full blown tantrum yesterday shortly after delighting in a popular wine brand’s whimsical kid oriented holiday display. After spending some time with the display, the toddler’s mom suggested that it was time to finish grocery shopping. Immediate screaming and kicking ensued. “It really sucked,” said the mom. “The store was super …