Mom forces kid to wear ‘think for yourself’ shirt

Cincinnati, OH: A local mom forced her 8-year-old daughter to wear a ‘think for yourself” T-shirt yesterday. “It’s important that young people learn to think for themselves and stand up to authority when necessary,” said the mom. “It’s the perfect message for this critical time in our nation’s history.” She followed the statement with a …

Baby arrested after twin vanishes in utero

Huntsville, AL: A surviving fetus in a vanishing twin scenario was born yesterday in a state that grants full personhood to fetuses in any stage of development, leading to the surviving baby’s arrest upon birth.  “This is a classic case of vanishing twin syndrome,” said Chad Hunt, the obstetrician involved. “We have reason to believe that …

Adorable kid ravages Mother’s Day display

Cincinnati, OH: To commemorate another year of great parenting, a local 3-year-old raided a grocery store Mother’s Day display yesterday morning. “Hewe, mommy,” she said, tearing every balloon from the display before careening toward the potted plants. “Dere fow Mothew’s Day.”  The mom rescued a fistful of “your special day” balloons from her daughter’s clutch …

Un-survival schooling gains traction

An emerging “un-survival” educational philosophy that teaches preschoolers to open pill bottles and click the button while pulling the trigger on propane lighters has been gaining popularity across the US.  “These so-called safety features are part of a money-making conspiracy for multibillion dollar industries,” posted a prominent un-survival proponent in her Facebook group. “Our children …

New program will provide mothers with Victorian lady postcard memes

Amid mounting evidence that mothers in the US have among the world’s highest levels of stress due to lack of work-life balance and childcare support, the government will step in and offer new memes with Victorian-style women saying funny things. They may also include the kind with a 1950s woman being totally outrageous in a …

Mom pretends to follow through on punishment in craft store

Cincinnati, OH: After a local toddler ravaged a silk flower display, removed her shirt and ran wild through a Michael’s craft store Saturday morning, her mother was forced to make an unreasonably inconvenient threat with no intent to follow through. “I told her there would be no candy or TV for the rest of the …

Mom uses second grade Valentine’s Day party to showcase artistic genius

An area mom charged with planning and leading the craft for her 8-year-old daughter’s class Valentine’s Day party bravely seized the opportunity to show the world that she is a tortured artistic genius with big ideas. “I had some wild ideas, including decorating gender-ambiguous cookies with sad faces and one bite taken out,” she said. …

As Earth approaches rapid boil, area woman ruminates over phthalates released into bottom-rack-loaded sippy cup

As the air around her continued to warm to an uninhabitable level, a local woman was recently dismayed to find a plastic sippy cup on the bottom rack of the dishwasher. “Phthalates have the potential to cause health issues years down the road,” she said. “I can’t believe someone would load it down there where …