Kids want to name new puppy Whitey Cracker

Cincinnati, OH: Local mom Rowena Hunt found a new weird thing to worry about Thursday when her children announced that they plan to name the new puppy Whitey Cracker. “We think it’s cute because he has white and tan patches like a saltine,” said the oldest Hunt daughter, apparently unaware of the sensitive racial or …

Hotline opens for parents of dumbass teens

This is the first Mommy Hack guest post! The writer, Tanya Kuzmanovic, is a perpetually frazzled writer/mother/movie lover who enjoys doing laundry, cleaning house and driving kids around in her spare time. Check out her blog at pencilsandpopcans.com. Oakville, Ontario: A local anonymous mother is being hailed a hero by contemporary parents after lobbying to have …

Game changer! Kid uses nail clipper like Swiss Army knife

Cincinnati, OH: A major technological breakthrough occurred Saturday when a local kid discovered that nail clippers can double as a Swiss Army knife.  “I was clipping my nails and I flipped out the long pointy thing when I made the discovery,” said the 8 year old girl who made the breakthrough. “Now I carry it in …

Mom forces kid to wear ‘think for yourself’ shirt

Cincinnati, OH: A local mom is forcing her 8-year-old daughter to wear a T-shirt emblazoned with ‘think for yourself.’ “It’s important that young people learn to stand up to authority when necessary,” said the mom. “It’s the perfect message for this critical time in our nation’s history.” She followed the statement with a reminder that …

Baby arrested after twin vanishes in utero

Huntsville, AL: A surviving fetus in a vanishing twin scenario was born yesterday in a state that grants full personhood to fetuses in any stage of development, leading to the surviving baby’s arrest upon birth.  “This is a classic case of vanishing twin syndrome,” said Chad Hunt, the obstetrician involved. “We have reason to believe that …

Adorable toddler ravages Mother’s Day display

Cincinnati, OH: To commemorate another year of great parenting, a local 3-year-old raided a grocery store Mother’s Day display yesterday morning. “Hewe, mommy,” she said, tearing every balloon from the display before careening toward the potted plants. “Dere fow Mothew’s Day.”  The mom rescued a fistful of “your special day” balloons from her daughter’s clutch …

Un-survival schooling gains traction

An emerging “un-survival” educational philosophy that teaches preschoolers to open pill bottles and click the button while pulling the trigger on propane lighters has been gaining popularity across the US.  “These so-called safety features are part of a money-making conspiracy for multibillion dollar industries,” posted a prominent un-survival proponent in her Facebook group. “Our children …

New program will provide mothers with Victorian lady postcard memes

Amid mounting evidence that mothers in the US have among the world’s highest levels of stress due to lack of work-life balance and childcare support, the government will step in and offer new memes with Victorian-style women saying funny things. They may also include the kind with a 1950s woman being totally outrageous in a …

Mom pretends to follow through on punishment in craft store

Cincinnati, OH: After a local toddler ravaged a silk flower display, removed her shirt and ran wild through a Michael’s craft store Saturday morning, her mother was forced to make an unreasonably inconvenient threat with no intent to follow through. “I told her there would be no candy or TV for the rest of the …