Area man looks forward to day drinking in public for a change

An area man who usually day drinks alone is reportedly looking forward to bringing his lifestyle out of the closet Sunday, when he’ll meet his friends at the bar for beer in the middle of the day.  “Meet me for a pint to celebrate St. Patty’s Day!” he texted to everyone he knows. It’s been …

Study links ability to perceive nagging with narcissist gene

After years of observational case studies, scientist have finally identified a genetic link between thinking someone is nagging you and being a lazy narcissist. “We always knew there was a correlation, but now we understand the mechanism.” said Principal Investigator Rowena Hunt. The gene identified results in a wide constellation of behaviors and thought patterns. …

New pro-life bill would force men to carry wasted sperm

Washington, D.C.: A new pro-life bill based on the idea that life starts with ejaculation was introduced today by House Republican Chad Hunt. “Senselessly extinguishing the spark for human life simply for a man’s convenience is wrong,” he said. “Wearing wasted sperm as a ‘scarlet letter’ to show wrongdoing will send a powerful message that …

Mom uses second grade Valentine’s Day party to showcase artistic genius

An area mom charged with planning and leading the craft for her 8-year-old daughter’s class Valentine’s Day party bravely seized the opportunity to show the world that she is a tortured artistic genius with big ideas. “I had some wild ideas, including decorating gender-ambiguous cookies with sad faces and one bite taken out,” she said. …

As Earth approaches rapid boil, area woman ruminates over phthalates released into bottom-rack-loaded sippy cup

As the air around her continued to warm to an uninhabitable level, a local woman was recently dismayed to find a plastic sippy cup on the bottom rack of the dishwasher. “Phthalates have the potential to cause health issues years down the road,” she said. “I can’t believe someone would load it down there where …

Woman uses brush technique to lend credibility to MDF bathroom cabinet

A local suburban mom recently decided to make her Home Depot composit wood cabinet look like it had aged in a cool bohemian way. Sources confirm that she hoped to layer paint over the melamine veneer to make it look like a solid and important piece of furniture—possibly an heirloom—that has really seen things. She …

Local woman feels sorry for Felicia, Karen, and Becky

While scrolling deep in her Facebook feed, an area woman recently pondered the three female names often used for certain archetypes: the one you say goodbye to, the woo one and the perky one who is unaware of her own inadvertent racism. “I took a deep dive into Facebook and I couldn’t help wondering why …

Mom deeply regrets saying “Bam!” while adding extra chocolate chips to cookie dough

A mom recently entered a deep existential crisis that verged on self-loathing after using the word “Bam!” to verbalize excitement regarding extra chocolate chips she was adding to cookie dough. The ill advised quip was intended to channel the formerly popular television chef Emeril Lagasse, whose star rose in the ‘90s but has since tapered …