Kids want to name new puppy Whitey Cracker

Cincinnati, OH: Local mom Rowena Hunt found a new weird thing to worry about Thursday when her children announced that they plan to name the new puppy Whitey Cracker. “We think it’s cute because he has white and tan patches like a saltine,” said the oldest Hunt daughter, apparently unaware of the sensitive racial or …

Local man searching for more crap to put on counter

Cincinnati, OH: Local resident Chad Hunt is looking for more household detritus to place on the kitchen counter in his family’s home. “So far I have dirty socks, unpaid bills, promotional mailers, a few unusable wires, and an empty plastic bag containing receipts that we may or may not need,” he said. “It’s looking pretty …

Justice Kavanaugh enjoys beer after long week fighting democracy

Washington, DC: It’s been a grueling week for US Supreme Court Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh, who cast his vote Thursday in a landmark 5-4 gerrymandering decision that will devastate voting rights. “I had to pull some serious all-nighters to help argue that preserving American democracy is not our problem,” he said. “But now it’s the …

Debate coverage: frequent interruptions from person who looks like hamster

Miami, FL: On the crowded democratic debate stage last night 10 candidates sparred to get a word in edgewise, making it difficult to get a good feel for any single candidate. So what did stand out? The person with beady hamster eyes—we believe his name is John Delaney but we can’t be sure—did the most …

Woman intensifies self-care regimen to avoid worrying about detained children

Cincinnati, OH: A local woman recently announced that she has improved her self care regimen in response to children being forced into horrific conditions at the US border. “I’m a total empath and I have to put on my oxygen mask first,” said 41-year-old Jessica Pattern, convincing herself as she spoke. Pattern has a solid …

Hotline opens for parents of dumbass teens

This is the first Mommy Hack guest post! The writer, Tanya Kuzmanovic, is a perpetually frazzled writer/mother/movie lover who enjoys doing laundry, cleaning house and driving kids around in her spare time. Check out her blog at pencilsandpopcans.com. Oakville, Ontario: A local anonymous mother is being hailed a hero by contemporary parents after lobbying to have …

Phew! Resting bitch face result of Botox, not feminism

Cincinnati, OH: The situation was tense Thursday afternoon when a local anonymous woman failed to smile after a passerby remarked on her appearance.  “She has a nice rear end but a terrible attitude,” said Chad Hunt, the alleged RBF victim who had spotted her on the street and shouted a compliment in her direction from …

Woman diagnosed with Munchausen imposter syndrome faked falsely thinking that she fakes everything

Cincinnati, OH: An area woman who thought she had imposter syndrome has recently been diagnosed with Munchausen. “I thought I had the disorder where you falsely worry you are faking your way through life,” she said. “But it turns out I have the disorder where you fake disorders. So I was actually faking falsely thinking …

Neighbor casually seeking kid to do her bidding again

Cincinnati, OH: It’s been reported that local resident Jessica Pattern is looking for a college kid who needs a little extra cash. “If anyone has a college age son (or even a responsible high-schooler!!!), I just need to plant fence-line shrubs, a few perennials, mulch the beds, and mow and fertilize the yard,” she posted …

Area man looks forward to day drinking in public for a change

An area man who usually day drinks alone is reportedly looking forward to bringing his lifestyle out of the closet Sunday, when he’ll meet his friends at the bar for beer in the middle of the day.  “Meet me for a pint to celebrate St. Patty’s Day!” he texted to everyone he knows. It’s been …