Local woman makes excuses for not buying food she’s sampling

Cincinnati, OH: Local woman Jessica Pattern was seen making excuses for not buying the beef brisket she sampled at the Springdale Costco Friday.  “It’s delicious,” she reportedly said. “But the cart is filled to the gills! I’ll pick this up next time for sure.”  Pattern was not available for comment, but additional details emerged after an …

Climate change frustrates Basic Fall Birches

Cincinnati, OH: October brought dry weather and soaring temperatures to the Tristate area, frustrating many Basic Fall Birches* during peak Instagram season. “How am I supposed to get a fall selfie w my new Burberry scarf in 90 degree weather?!” asked a local anonymous BFB. Other BFBs in the area concurred, admitting for the first …

Adorable puppy wipes smug look off flamingo’s face

Cincinnati, OH: Things got serious Thursday when the Hunt family’s adorable new pet whaled on a beloved stuffed animal. “Vanilla absolutely destroyed Mingo,” said the eldest Hunt daughter. It’s been reported that the adorable 9-week-old male puppy, known as “Vanilla,” was growling and shaking the beloved stuffed flamingo in his clenched teeth. Stuffing flew as …

Naughty person pulls off cake heist

Cincinnati, OH: After hours of speculation, a new suspect has been identified in the so-called Great Cake Caper of 2019. “It wasn’t Margaret; it was the naughty pewson,” explained sole witness Margaret Hunt, who was looking forward to chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and colorful roses for her 4th birthday. She had been riding home …

Tracking Greta Thunberg’s voyage across Atlantic from comfort of minivan

Cincinnati, OH: Local woman Jessica Pattern was seen idling her minivan in the school pickup line Thursday as she rooted online for young climate activist Greta Thunberg. Thunberg is traveling 3,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean in a carbon neutral sailboat to attend the United Nations Climate Action Summit in September.  “I’m so impressed by …

Kids want to name new puppy Whitey Cracker

Cincinnati, OH: Local mom Rowena Hunt found a new weird thing to worry about Thursday when her children announced that they plan to name the new puppy Whitey Cracker. “We think it’s cute because he has white and tan patches like a saltine,” said the oldest Hunt daughter, apparently unaware of the sensitive racial or …

Local man searching for more crap to put on counter

Cincinnati, OH: Local resident Chad Hunt is looking for more household detritus to place on the kitchen counter in his family’s home. “So far I have dirty socks, unpaid bills, promotional mailers, a few unusable wires, and an empty plastic bag containing receipts that we may or may not need,” he said. “It’s looking pretty …

Justice Kavanaugh enjoys beer after long week fighting democracy

Washington, DC: It’s been a grueling week for US Supreme Court Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh, who cast his vote Thursday in a landmark 5-4 gerrymandering decision that will devastate voting rights. “I had to pull some serious all-nighters to help argue that preserving American democracy is not our problem,” he said. “But now it’s the …

Debate coverage: frequent interruptions from person who looks like hamster

Miami, FL: On the crowded democratic debate stage last night 10 candidates sparred to get a word in edgewise, making it difficult to get a good feel for any single candidate. So what did stand out? The person with beady hamster eyes—we believe his name is John Delaney but we can’t be sure—did the most …

Woman intensifies self-care regimen to avoid worrying about detained children

Cincinnati, OH: A local woman recently announced that she has improved her self care regimen in response to children being forced into horrific conditions at the US border. “I’m a total empath and I have to put on my oxygen mask first,” said 41-year-old Jessica Pattern, convincing herself as she spoke. Pattern has a solid …