Local man searching for more crap to put on counter

Cincinnati, OH: Local resident Chad Hunt is looking for more household detritus to place on the kitchen counter in his family’s home. “So far I have dirty socks, unpaid bills, promotional mailers, a few unusable wires, and an empty plastic bag containing receipts that we may or may not need,” he said. “It’s looking pretty …

Mom forces kid to wear ‘think for yourself’ shirt

Cincinnati, OH: A local mom is forcing her 8-year-old daughter to wear a T-shirt emblazoned with ‘think for yourself.’ “It’s important that young people learn to stand up to authority when necessary,” said the mom. “It’s the perfect message for this critical time in our nation’s history.” She followed the statement with a reminder that …

Brave! This woman prioritized delicious food over having a body that losers want to fuck

Los Angeles, CA: An area woman is being hailed as incredibly brave after she enjoyed a cocktail and dessert with a full, well rounded meal. “If I get fat and some dude who lives in his mom’s basement doesn’t immediately run home and masturbate after seeing me, I’ll be fine,” she said. The statement came …

Mom uses second grade Valentine’s Day party to showcase artistic genius

An area mom charged with planning and leading the craft for her 8-year-old daughter’s class Valentine’s Day party bravely seized the opportunity to show the world that she is a tortured artistic genius with big ideas. “I had some wild ideas, including decorating gender-ambiguous cookies with sad faces and one bite taken out,” she said. …

Woman uses brush technique to lend credibility to MDF bathroom cabinet

A local suburban mom recently decided to make her Home Depot composit wood cabinet look like it had aged in a cool bohemian way. Sources confirm that she hoped to layer paint over the melamine veneer to make it look like a solid and important piece of furniture—possibly an heirloom—that has really seen things. She …

Marketing team settles on “down there” for butt wipes name

A marketing team dealing with moist towelettes designed for feces removal recently settled on the vague and half-hearted description “down there wipes.” “We had a robust discussion, and ultimately went with the name that felt more genital—I mean genteel,” said Marketing Director Chad Hunt. “The lively conversation left us with limited bandwidth for package design so …

Garage door opens, Christmas detritus tumbles out

Cincinnati, OH: Neighbors grasped the full extent of a Cincinnati family’s sloth yesterday when the garage door opened and Christmas-related trash tumbled out. “We bought way too many crappy kid gifts again this year,” said the mom. “I can’t finger a single useful item. But we did produce the most trash in the neighborhood and …