Mom uses second grade Valentine’s Day party to showcase artistic genius

An area mom charged with planning and leading the craft for her 8-year-old daughter’s class Valentine’s Day party bravely seized the opportunity to show the world that she is a tortured artistic genius with big ideas. “I had some wild ideas, including decorating gender-ambiguous cookies with sad faces and one bite taken out,” she said. …

As Earth approaches rapid boil, area woman ruminates over phthalates released into bottom-rack-loaded sippy cup

As the air around her continued to warm to an uninhabitable level, a local woman was recently dismayed to find a plastic sippy cup on the bottom rack of the dishwasher. “Phthalates have the potential to cause health issues years down the road,” she said. “I can’t believe someone would load it down there where …

Woman uses brush technique to lend credibility to MDF bathroom cabinet

A local suburban mom recently decided to make her Home Depot composit wood cabinet look like it had aged in a cool bohemian way. Sources confirm that she hoped to layer paint over the melamine veneer to make it look like a solid and important piece of furniture—possibly an heirloom—that has really seen things. She …

Local woman feels sorry for Felicia, Karen, and Becky

While scrolling deep in her Facebook feed, an area woman recently pondered the three female names often used for certain archetypes: the one you say goodbye to, the woo one and the perky one who is unaware of her own inadvertent racism. “I took a deep dive into Facebook and I couldn’t help wondering why …

Mom deeply regrets saying “Bam!” while adding extra chocolate chips to cookie dough

A mom recently entered a deep existential crisis that verged on self-loathing after using the word “Bam!” to verbalize excitement regarding extra chocolate chips she was adding to cookie dough. The ill advised quip was intended to channel the formerly popular television chef Emeril Lagasse, whose star rose in the ‘90s but has since tapered …

Men across the nation enjoy “60 percent executive time” at home while accurately criticizing President for it

Progressive men across the nation recently chuckled about the revelation that the president spends 60 percent of his day watching TV and tweeting during what has officially been termed “executive time.” “Cheeto man is a total loser,” a woke area man accurately tweeted. The man reportedly continued to tweet and post to Reddit his insightful …

Marketing team settles on “down there” for butt wipes name

A marketing team dealing with moist towelettes designed for feces removal recently settled on the vague and half-hearted description “down there wipes.” “We had a robust discussion, and ultimately went with the name that felt more genital—I mean genteel,” said Marketing Director Chad Hunt. “The lively conversation left us with limited bandwidth for package design so …