Brave! This woman prioritized delicious food over having a body that losers want to fuck

Los Angeles, CA: An area woman is being hailed as incredibly brave after she enjoyed a cocktail and dessert with a full, well rounded meal. “If I get fat and some dude who lives in his mom’s basement doesn’t immediately run home and masturbate after seeing me, I’ll be fine,” she said. The statement came …

Un-survival schooling gains traction

An emerging “un-survival” educational philosophy that teaches preschoolers to open pill bottles and click the button while pulling the trigger on propane lighters has been gaining popularity across the US.  “These so-called safety features are part of a money-making conspiracy for multibillion dollar industries,” posted a prominent un-survival proponent in her Facebook group. “Our children …

Moral dilemma regarding feedback in airport bathroom

Atlanta, GA: A traveler recently experienced a major dilemma when faced with a new touchscreen bathroom survey at the Atlanta International Airport. “The facilities were ok but left something to be desired,” she said. “But I had to touch the ambivalent face on a screen crawling with international fecal bacteria and viruses to let them …

No bibbidi bobbidi bikini wax for Disney visitor

Orlando, FL: A woman visiting Disney World was turned away Saturday when she requested a bikini wax from the Magic Kingdom’s premiere beauty salon, Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. “I wanted to spruce up before meeting Aladdin,” she said. “But was advised that this salon is only for girls too young for pubic hair.” After adding Aladdin’s …

New program will provide mothers with Victorian lady postcard memes

Amid mounting evidence that mothers in the US have among the world’s highest levels of stress due to lack of work-life balance and childcare support, the government will step in and offer new memes with Victorian-style women saying funny things. They may also include the kind with a 1950s woman being totally outrageous in a …

Area man looks forward to day drinking in public for a change

An area man who usually day drinks alone is reportedly looking forward to bringing his lifestyle out of the closet Sunday, when he’ll meet his friends at the bar for beer in the middle of the day.  “Meet me for a pint to celebrate St. Patty’s Day!” he texted to everyone he knows. It’s been …

Study links ability to perceive nagging with narcissist gene

After years of observational case studies, scientist have finally identified a genetic link between thinking someone is nagging you and being a lazy narcissist. “We always knew there was a correlation, but now we understand the mechanism.” said Principal Investigator Rowena Hunt. The gene identified results in a wide constellation of behaviors and thought patterns. …