Moral dilemma regarding feedback in airport bathroom

Atlanta, GA: A traveler recently experienced a major dilemma when faced with a new touchscreen bathroom survey at the Atlanta International Airport. “The facilities were ok but left something to be desired,” she said. “But I had to touch the ambivalent face on a screen crawling with international fecal bacteria and viruses to let them …

No bibbidi bobbidi bikini wax for Disney visitor

Orlando, FL: A woman visiting Disney World was turned away Saturday when she requested a bikini wax from the Magic Kingdom’s premiere beauty salon, Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. “I wanted to spruce up before meeting Aladdin,” she said. “But was advised that this salon is only for girls too young for pubic hair.” After adding Aladdin’s …

New program will provide mothers with Victorian lady postcard memes

Amid mounting evidence that mothers in the US have among the world’s highest levels of stress due to lack of work-life balance and childcare support, the government will step in and offer new memes with Victorian-style women saying funny things. They may also include the kind with a 1950s woman being totally outrageous in a …

Area man looks forward to day drinking in public for a change

An area man who usually day drinks alone is reportedly looking forward to bringing his lifestyle out of the closet Sunday, when he’ll meet his friends at the bar for beer in the middle of the day.  “Meet me for a pint to celebrate St. Patty’s Day!” he texted to everyone he knows. It’s been …

Study links ability to perceive nagging with narcissist gene

After years of observational case studies, scientist have finally identified a genetic link between the ability to perceive nagging and the state of being a narcissist. “We always knew there was a correlation, but now we understand the mechanism.” said Principal Investigator Rowena Hunt. “Our research indicates that it’s impossible to accuse someone of nagging …

Mom pretends to follow through on punishment in craft store

Cincinnati, OH: After a local toddler ravaged a silk flower display, removed her shirt and ran wild through a Michael’s craft store Saturday morning, her mother was forced to make an unreasonably inconvenient threat with no intent to follow through. “I told her there would be no candy or TV for the rest of the …

New pro-life bill would force men to carry wasted sperm

Washington, D.C.: A new pro-life bill based on the idea that life starts with ejaculation was introduced today by House Republican Chad Hunt. “Senselessly extinguishing the spark for human life simply for a man’s convenience is wrong,” he said. “Wearing wasted sperm as a ‘scarlet letter’ to show wrongdoing will send a powerful message that …

Mom uses second grade Valentine’s Day party to showcase artistic genius

An area mom charged with planning and leading the craft for her 8-year-old daughter’s class Valentine’s Day party bravely seized the opportunity to show the world that she is a tortured artistic genius with big ideas. “I had some wild ideas, including decorating gender-ambiguous cookies with sad faces and one bite taken out,” she said. …

As Earth approaches rapid boil, area woman ruminates over phthalates released into bottom-rack-loaded sippy cup

As the air around her continued to warm to an uninhabitable level, a local woman was recently dismayed to find a plastic sippy cup on the bottom rack of the dishwasher. “Phthalates have the potential to cause health issues years down the road,” she said. “I can’t believe someone would load it down there where …