Woman intensifies self-care regimen to avoid worrying about detained children

Cincinnati, OH: A local woman recently announced that she has improved her self care regimen in response to children being forced into horrific conditions at the US border. “I’m a total empath and I have to put on my oxygen mask first,” said 41-year-old Jessica Pattern, convincing herself as she spoke. Pattern has a solid …

Hotline opens for parents of dumbass teens

This is the first Mommy Hack guest post! The writer, Tanya Kuzmanovic, is a perpetually frazzled writer/mother/movie lover who enjoys doing laundry, cleaning house and driving kids around in her spare time. Check out her blog at pencilsandpopcans.com. Oakville, Ontario: A local anonymous mother is being hailed a hero by contemporary parents after lobbying to have …

Phew! Resting bitch face result of Botox, not feminism

Cincinnati, OH: The situation was tense Thursday afternoon when a local anonymous woman failed to smile after a passerby remarked on her appearance.  “She has a nice rear end but a terrible attitude,” said Chad Hunt, the alleged RBF victim who had spotted her on the street and shouted a compliment in her direction from …

Game changer! Kid uses nail clipper like Swiss Army knife

Cincinnati, OH: A major technological breakthrough occurred Saturday when a local kid discovered that nail clippers can double as a Swiss Army knife.  “I was clipping my nails and I flipped out the long pointy thing when I made the discovery,” said the 8 year old girl who made the breakthrough. “Now I carry it in …

Woman diagnosed with Munchausen imposter syndrome faked falsely thinking that she fakes everything

Cincinnati, OH: An area woman who thought she had imposter syndrome has recently been diagnosed with Munchausen. “I thought I had the disorder where you falsely worry you are faking your way through life,” she said. “But it turns out I have the disorder where you fake disorders. So I was actually faking falsely thinking …

Checks and balances mansplainer preparing term limit monologue

Cincinnati, OH: An area man who comforted concerned female friends and colleagues after the 2016 election by explaining how checks and balances work is preparing his monologue for the 2020 election. “If Cheeto man wins again, I’ll just explain that US presidents are only allowed two terms,” he said. “I might add that our country …

Mom forces kid to wear ‘think for yourself’ shirt

Cincinnati, OH: A local mom is forcing her 8-year-old daughter to wear a T-shirt emblazoned with ‘think for yourself.’ “It’s important that young people learn to stand up to authority when necessary,” said the mom. “It’s the perfect message for this critical time in our nation’s history.” She followed the statement with a reminder that …

Baby arrested after twin vanishes in utero

Huntsville, AL: A surviving fetus in a vanishing twin scenario was born yesterday in a state that grants full personhood to fetuses in any stage of development, leading to the surviving baby’s arrest upon birth.  “This is a classic case of vanishing twin syndrome,” said Chad Hunt, the obstetrician involved. “We have reason to believe that …

Adorable toddler ravages Mother’s Day display

Cincinnati, OH: To commemorate another year of great parenting, a local 3-year-old raided a grocery store Mother’s Day display yesterday morning. “Hewe, mommy,” she said, tearing every balloon from the display before careening toward the potted plants. “Dere fow Mothew’s Day.”  The mom rescued a fistful of “your special day” balloons from her daughter’s clutch …

Neighbor casually seeking kid to do her bidding again

Cincinnati, OH: It’s been reported that local resident Jessica Pattern is looking for a college kid who needs a little extra cash. “If anyone has a college age son (or even a responsible high-schooler!!!), I just need to plant fence-line shrubs, a few perennials, mulch the beds, and mow and fertilize the yard,” she posted …