Adorable puppy wipes smug look off flamingo’s face

Cincinnati, OH: Things got serious Thursday when the Hunt family’s adorable new pet whaled on a beloved stuffed animal. “Vanilla absolutely destroyed Mingo,” said the eldest Hunt daughter. It’s been reported that the adorable 9-week-old male puppy, known as “Vanilla,” was growling and shaking the beloved stuffed flamingo in his clenched teeth. Stuffing flew as …

Mom crying again during bedtime story

Cincinnati OH: Local resident Jessica Pattern was seen crying again Monday night while reading her daughters a bedtime story. The story, Franny’s Father is a Feminist, was new to the family but will join the collection of ‘touching’ stories that make Pattern cry before she can finish reading. “It’s totally uncomfortable,” said her oldest daughter. …

Naughty person pulls off cake heist

Cincinnati, OH: After hours of speculation, a new suspect has been identified in the so-called Great Cake Caper of 2019. “It wasn’t Margaret; it was the naughty pewson,” explained sole witness Margaret Hunt, who was looking forward to chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and colorful roses for her 4th birthday. She had been riding home …

Tracking Greta Thunberg’s voyage across Atlantic from comfort of minivan

Cincinnati, OH: Local woman Jessica Pattern was seen idling her minivan in the school pickup line Thursday as she rooted online for young climate activist Greta Thunberg. Thunberg is traveling 3,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean in a carbon neutral sailboat to attend the United Nations Climate Action Summit in September.  “I’m so impressed by …

Book Review: Little Mermaid Golden Book devotes too much time shark chase

Disney’s version of Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Little Mermaid” is oddly represented in it’s Golden Book. Six pages of the 20-page book linger on a throw-away shark chase scene, completely devoid of character or plot development. The book ignores Ursula, and Ariel never asks for the ability to walk on land. The reader is left wondering: who …

Kids want to name new puppy Whitey Cracker

Cincinnati, OH: Local mom Rowena Hunt found a new weird thing to worry about Thursday when her children announced that they plan to name the new puppy Whitey Cracker. “We think it’s cute because he has white and tan patches like a saltine,” said the oldest Hunt daughter, apparently unaware of the sensitive racial or …

Local man searching for more crap to put on counter

Cincinnati, OH: Local resident Chad Hunt is looking for more household detritus to place on the kitchen counter in his family’s home. “So far I have dirty socks, unpaid bills, promotional mailers, a few unusable wires, and an empty plastic bag containing receipts that we may or may not need,” he said. “It’s looking pretty …

Justice Kavanaugh enjoys beer after long week fighting democracy

Washington, DC: It’s been a grueling week for US Supreme Court Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh, who cast his vote Thursday in a landmark 5-4 gerrymandering decision that will devastate voting rights. “I had to pull some serious all-nighters to help argue that preserving American democracy is not our problem,” he said. “But now it’s the …

Debate coverage: frequent interruptions from person who looks like hamster

Miami, FL: On the crowded democratic debate stage last night 10 candidates sparred to get a word in edgewise, making it difficult to get a good feel for any single candidate. So what did stand out? The person with beady hamster eyes—we believe his name is John Delaney but we can’t be sure—did the most …