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Woman intensifies self-care regimen to avoid worrying about detained children

Cincinnati, OH: A local woman recently announced that she has improved her self care regimen in response to children being forced into horrific conditions at the US border. “I’m a total empath and I have to put on my oxygen mask first,” said 41-year-old Jessica Pattern, convincing herself as she spoke.

Pattern has a solid record of finding ways to make herself feel better about crises that affect other people without actually doing anything to help.

Sources say she had recently considered stress eating an entire key lime pie while watching television coverage of conditions at detention facilities, but instead purchased 20 gallons of essential oil and researched grapefruit detox online.  “My wellness journey is how I stand up and make noise,” she said. She clarified that she doesn’t actually like to make noise, upset anyone, or have any impact.

When asked if she was interested in protesting or donating to organizations that provide aid to kids in detention, she declined. “I’m considering rescuing a dog and/or cutting bangs if things at the border deteriorate further,” she said.

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