Un-survival schooling gains traction

An emerging “un-survival” educational philosophy that teaches preschoolers to open pill bottles and click the button while pulling the trigger on propane lighters has been gaining popularity across the US. 

“These so-called safety features are part of a money-making conspiracy for multibillion dollar industries,” posted a prominent un-survival proponent in her Facebook group. “Our children will not be victims!”

The unsurvival curriculum may expand to include disabling smoke detectors, removing life preservers, and not wearing helmets when bicycling. 

The movement gained traction after methods such as Waldorf, flat-Earth home schooling, and PowerPoint presentations posted to anti-vax Facebook groups were deemed inadequate to prepare children to ignore the current state of the world.  

“All we want is for our kids to know that nothing bad can ever happen to them because they are privelidged [sic] and live in a first world country,” explained a local un-survival mom. “Our internet research shows the best way to do that is to teach preschoolers to open pill bottles and use fire-starters.”

Follow-up research on social media reveals that the pills and propane in the un-survival products are non-GMO, organic, and do not contain any chemicals or thimerosal. This was pointed out using index finger pointing emojis in place of bullet points, so it must be true.

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