An area man who usually day drinks alone is reportedly looking forward to bringing his lifestyle out of the closet Sunday, when he’ll meet his friends at the bar for beer in the middle of the day. “Meet me for a pint to celebrate St. Patty’s Day!” he texted to everyone he knows.
It’s been reported that he plans to insist that his beer is cold and green in order to appear to be less of an alcoholic. He’ll also pinch attractive strangers and wear a shamrock beaded necklace purchased from Claire’s fashion boutique at the mall. “It’s gonna be epic,” he said.
When pressed on the identity of the fifth-century patron saint and holiday namesake, he responded that Saint Patrick is actually a made-up person like Santa Claus, then proceeded to describe a leprechaun. “He’s an imaginary short little dude with rosy cheeks and a green bowler hat,” he said. “Basically a party dude like me who knows where the pot of gold is.”