Looks Parenting

Mom forces kid to wear ‘think for yourself’ shirt

Cincinnati, OH: A local mom is forcing her 8-year-old daughter to wear a T-shirt emblazoned with ‘think for yourself.’ “It’s important that young people learn to stand up to authority when necessary,” said the mom. “It’s the perfect message for this critical time in our nation’s history.” She followed the statement with a reminder that …

Parenting

Baby arrested after twin vanishes in utero

Huntsville, AL: A surviving fetus in a vanishing twin scenario was born yesterday in a state that grants full personhood to fetuses in any stage of development, leading to the surviving baby’s arrest upon birth.  “This is a classic case of vanishing twin syndrome,” said Chad Hunt, the obstetrician involved. “We have reason to believe that …

Parenting

Adorable toddler ravages Mother’s Day display

Cincinnati, OH: To commemorate another year of great parenting, a local 3-year-old raided a grocery store Mother’s Day display yesterday morning. “Hewe, mommy,” she said, tearing every balloon from the display before careening toward the potted plants. “Dere fow Mothew’s Day.”  The mom rescued a fistful of “your special day” balloons from her daughter’s clutch …

News

Neighbor casually seeking kid to do her bidding again

Cincinnati, OH: It’s been reported that local resident Jessica Pattern is looking for a college kid who needs a little extra cash. “If anyone has a college age son (or even a responsible high-schooler!!!), I just need to plant fence-line shrubs, a few perennials, mulch the beds, and mow and fertilize the yard,” she posted …

Looks

Brave! This woman prioritized delicious food over having a body that losers want to fuck

Los Angeles, CA: An area woman is being hailed as incredibly brave after she enjoyed a cocktail and dessert with a full, well rounded meal. “If I get fat and some dude who lives in his mom’s basement doesn’t immediately run home and masturbate after seeing me, I’ll be fine,” she said. The statement came …

Parenting

Un-survival schooling gains traction

An emerging “un-survival” educational philosophy that teaches preschoolers to open pill bottles and click the button while pulling the trigger on propane lighters has been gaining popularity across the US.  “These so-called safety features are part of a money-making conspiracy for multibillion dollar industries,” posted a prominent un-survival proponent in her Facebook group. “Our children …

Travel

Moral dilemma regarding feedback in airport bathroom

Atlanta, GA: A traveler recently experienced a major dilemma when faced with a new touchscreen bathroom survey at the Atlanta International Airport. “The facilities were ok but left something to be desired,” she said. “But I had to touch the ambivalent face on a screen crawling with international fecal bacteria and viruses to let them …