News

Naughty person pulls off cake heist

Cincinnati, OH: After hours of speculation, a new suspect has been identified in the so-called Great Cake Caper of 2019. “It wasn’t Margaret; it was the naughty pewson,” explained sole witness Margaret Hunt, who was looking forward to chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and colorful roses for her 4th birthday. She had been riding home …

News

Tracking Greta Thunberg’s voyage across Atlantic from comfort of minivan

Cincinnati, OH: Local woman Jessica Pattern was seen idling her minivan in the school pickup line Thursday as she rooted online for young climate activist Greta Thunberg. Thunberg is traveling 3,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean in a carbon neutral sailboat to attend the United Nations Climate Action Summit in September.  “I’m so impressed by …

Letters

Book Review: Little Mermaid Golden Book devotes too much time shark chase

Disney’s version of Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Little Mermaid” is oddly represented in it’s Golden Book. Six pages of the 20-page book linger on a throw-away shark chase scene, completely devoid of character or plot development. The book ignores Ursula, and Ariel never asks for the ability to walk on land. The reader is left wondering: who …

News Parenting

Kids want to name new puppy Whitey Cracker

Cincinnati, OH: Local mom Rowena Hunt found a new weird thing to worry about Thursday when her children announced that they plan to name the new puppy Whitey Cracker. “We think it’s cute because he has white and tan patches like a saltine,” said the oldest Hunt daughter, apparently unaware of the sensitive racial or …

Looks News

Local man searching for more crap to put on counter

Cincinnati, OH: Local resident Chad Hunt is looking for more household detritus to place on the kitchen counter in his family’s home. “So far I have dirty socks, unpaid bills, promotional mailers, a few unusable wires, and an empty plastic bag containing receipts that we may or may not need,” he said. “It’s looking pretty …

News Politics

Justice Kavanaugh enjoys beer after long week fighting democracy

Washington, DC: It’s been a grueling week for US Supreme Court Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh, who cast his vote Thursday in a landmark 5-4 gerrymandering decision that will devastate voting rights. “I had to pull some serious all-nighters to help argue that preserving American democracy is not our problem,” he said. “But now it’s the …

News Politics

Debate coverage: frequent interruptions from person who looks like hamster

Miami, FL: On the crowded democratic debate stage last night 10 candidates sparred to get a word in edgewise, making it difficult to get a good feel for any single candidate. So what did stand out? The person with beady hamster eyes—we believe his name is John Delaney but we can’t be sure—did the most …

News Politics

Woman intensifies self-care regimen to avoid worrying about detained children

Cincinnati, OH: A local woman recently announced that she has improved her self care regimen in response to children being forced into horrific conditions at the US border. “I’m a total empath and I have to put on my oxygen mask first,” said 41-year-old Jessica Pattern, convincing herself as she spoke. Pattern has a solid …

News Parenting

Hotline opens for parents of dumbass teens

This is the first Mommy Hack guest post! The writer, Tanya Kuzmanovic, is a perpetually frazzled writer/mother/movie lover who enjoys doing laundry, cleaning house and driving kids around in her spare time. Check out her blog at pencilsandpopcans.com. Oakville, Ontario: A local anonymous mother is being hailed a hero by contemporary parents after lobbying to have …

News

Phew! Resting bitch face result of Botox, not feminism

Cincinnati, OH: The situation was tense Thursday afternoon when a local anonymous woman failed to smile after a passerby remarked on her appearance.  “She has a nice rear end but a terrible attitude,” said Chad Hunt, the alleged RBF victim who had spotted her on the street and shouted a compliment in her direction from …